Always
by literarylolita
Summary: Sometimes picking up where you left off is both much easier and much harder than it seems.


**A/N: The time that lapsed between the two parts of "Come as You are" was just BEGGING to be a one-shot. Here is what went down in my head, including a few important things I think Eli and Clare need to say to one another. Title comes from the Blink-182 song of the same name (which, by the way, will give you amazing "eclare feels" upon listening).**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. Normally I would insert a witty remark here about how if I did, I'd do this or that, but I'm so amazed by Season 12 so far that I don't feel said remark is necessary and/or warranted. I also don't own "Always" by Blink-182.**

"_So here I am: I'm trying. So here I am, are you ready? Come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you, always."-Blink-182, "Always"_

_Eli_

Loud music from the party inside reverberates around the couple as they embrace under the dark, winter sky. Oblivious to everything but one another, they lean close: eye-to-eye, breath-to-breath.

_God, I've missed you Clare,_ Eli allows himself to think. And it's true; he's missed her more than he's ever missed anything or anyone in his life, save for Julia. Despite letting Clare go, he never really moved on; her presence lived in a corner of his heart, a tiny space that held vacancy for no one else. He often thought of her and hoped they could one day reconcile as friends, but Eli never dared to dream the dream in which Clare was his girlfriend again. He let go of that notion after his meltdown on stage. But here she is: leaning into his arms contentedly and smiling the soft smile he always liked to believe she reserved solely for him.

"I've missed you too," Clare breathes.

"Shit, did I say that out loud?" Eli asks, just a little bit embarrassed.

"Yes," she responds with a quiet chuckle. Her eyes are twinkling like the lights that are ironically above them once again. _Maybe there _will_ always be twinkly lights, _Eli muses.

"Well, I didn't mean to," he retorts with a smirk.

"I'm glad you did." She peers up at him with a look full of hope and happiness. Before he knows it, her lips crash against his again, kissing him more fervently than before. She grabs his face in her hands, holding on with a gentle grip before knotting her fingers in his hair. When a chill crawls up his spine, he knows it's not from the chilly January air.

He pulls away reluctantly when he feels her tremble beneath him.

"You cold?" he asks.

"No," she whispers, but he takes her pale hands from his hair and feels their icy touch.

"Liar." He stands, but doesn't let go of her hand. "Come on, I've got my mom's car."

They make their way around the cacophony of noise that is the Torres home and reach Cece's red Jetta. Eli opens the passenger door and Clare scurries in. He doesn't remove his hand from hers until he has to close to door.

He doesn't want to let her go.

Clare

She immediately reaches for his hand once he's behind the wheel and interlaces their fingers. _Still a perfect fit,_ she happily realizes.

"So," she starts, "when did you get your license back?" She asks the question carefully, not wanting to ruin the mood with inquiries that tread on the waters of sensitive subjects.

"Last month," he responds. She's relieved at the sight of the grin on his face; he's not offended.

"Does Cece let you drive her car a lot?"

"When I need to." His face contorts into a look of mischief before he waggles his eyebrows up and down. "The Jetta is no Morty, but I think I look good in red, don't you?"

_Morty. Gone. _Before she can stop it, a quiet sob escapes Clare's mouth. "Oh, Eli, I am SO sorry!"

"Hey…no." He takes his free hand and wipes away the single tear falling from her eye, then slides it down to caress her face. She leans into his touch, amazed at how it still affects her after all this time. "No apologies necessary, okay?"

_Eli_

Eli frowns at Clare's expression; just moments ago it was one of joy. How and when did it morph into a look of sorrow and sadness?

"But…" She shivers again, still cold. He reluctantly moves his hand from her face to start the car.

"But nothing," Eli insists.

"No, listen. I have some things to say, okay?" She pleads.

Looking at her with patience, he nods his consent.

"I'm sorry for so many things." She takes a deep breath and grasps his arm. "I shouldn't have broken up with you the way I did."

Pain flashes across his eyes, but he doesn't speak.

She squeezes his hand. "I should have been honest long before Spring Break. I wanted you, but…you scared me."

_That's because I was a monster, _he thinks. When he looks back on his manic episodes, and even his depressive episodes, it's as if he's thinking of someone else, someone that's not him. He's accepted the fact that he's sick and that he'll always be prone to getting lost in his own mind; it doesn't mean he likes it.

"I know, Clare. Believe me, I know."

"I'm not finished!" Her face looks desperate, and he allows her to continue.

"I know now that you were manic," she states. He flinches at the bipolar terminology. "And then depressed. I understand all of that now." She looks down.

"Okay…"

"But Eli, I wasn't just scared of you. I was scared of myself."

A look of puzzlement crosses his face. "Why?"

"Because I loved you!" She responds, her voice rising slightly. "So much. Far more than any fifteen-year-old girl rightfully should. And you talked about forever, and it was all just too much. I was overwhelmed." A sarcastic laugh escapes her lips. "For two people presumably so good with words, we didn't communicate very well. I should have just TALKED to you about how I was feeling. Maybe then we could have avoided breaking up altogether." She loosens her grip on his arm, and he moves to grasp the back of her neck lightly.

"Clare…" his voice is gentle. "If you hadn't broken up with me, I never would have gotten the help I _definitely_ needed."

"But-"

"No, Clare. It's true. We might have talked about it, but if I hadn't lost you, I wouldn't have realized something was terribly wrong," he squeezes her hand and smiles sadly.

He hates that he lost her, but there's no denying that her leaving him was the catalyst to spark his eventual road to recovery.

Clare

Clare contemplates Eli's words for a moment. He's probably right, but she isn't ready to let it go. "I could have at least been your friend," she says. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I…Eli, last year I turned into a shadow of the person I used to be." She thinks of how self-absorbed she became and tries not to cry. _That wasn't me,_ she thinks. _That's not who I am. _"Somehow, after I lost you, I lost a little bit of myself too." She's never voiced these thoughts before; she's barely admitted them to herself.

"Clare, don't be sorry for anything, okay?" He reaches over to turn the heat down now that the car is warm. When he's done, his hand automatically reaches for Clare again, circling her waist and drawing her closer to him. "I honestly don't blame you. I'm not angry. In fact, if anyone should be apologizing, it's me."

_Eli_

This conversation is downright painful, but he knows it's been a long time coming

"I am so sorry. For everything. Crashing Morty…pressuring you and asking for far too much before that…everything that happened with Jake-" he winces, the memories of Clare's lips on Jake's still hurtful, "-the times I vilified you in Love Roulette…Clare, I'm sorry for all of it. I can never make it up to you, and as happy as I am about the fact…I don't understand why you want to be with me again."

She deserves better than him. He's ALWAYS known that.

Clare

_He's really changed,_ Clare thinks. "Eli, you deserve me." She raises her neck and gives him a soft, quick kiss. "You deserve so much. You're better now. Don't think I haven't noticed." Eli's face changes, and due to the glint in his eye she can hear the cocky comment coming from a mile away.

"Oh, have you been watching me, Edwards?" Clare blushes at his teasing.

"So what if I have?" She laughs. The mood lightens up, along with the heavy burden that's rested upon her heart for months. "I mean, you're not that bad to look at. I guess."

_You're beautiful, _she thinks. _I'm so happy you're mine again._

_Eli_

Clare can't keep a straight face, and when she dissolves into giggles he can't help but melt into them along with her. "So are we good? Can we stop apologizing now?" He unlocks their fingers and reaches out to caress her waist. She's warm, soft, and wonderful to him. "I kind of want to talk about other things."

"Like what?" She quirks her eyebrows, and he just can't help himself with his response.

"Oh, I don't know…" And with a wave of pleasant nostalgia, he lets his words dangle off the edge of a vocal bridge, cutting himself off as his lips capture hers.

_**Later…**_

Clare

"Well, here you are: home sweet home!" Eli announces as he pulls up in front of the Edwards-Martin household.

"Yeah, thanks for the ride," Clare says. She frowns, not wanting to go inside.

She doesn't want to leave him yet.

Suddenly, an idea dawns on her. "Eli…"

"Yes?" He slings his arm around her shoulders, and Clare can't help but notice that the action makes her feel more at home than the house before them has in ages.

"Do you want to come in?" Blood rushes to her cheeks, and she has no idea why she's blushing.

"Uh…wouldn't your mom hate that?"

Clare laughs. "Oh, I forgot…you don't know how much things have changed around here." She gets out of the car and heads for the front door, signaling for Eli to follow her.

_Eli_

Eli follows Clare into her home, confused as hell. They walk into the living room and see Helen and Glenn cuddling and watching a movie.

"Oh, Clare, you're home-" Helen looks up. "Oh! And Eli's with you!"

_She doesn't look angry, _Eli notes to himself. _But she doesn't look particularly happy either._

"Yeah! We're going to go upstairs for a while," Clare states, and Eli feels like he just might pass out from the words. He's been in Clare's room once, and it was literally for five minutes to help her find some misplaced homework.

"Um, Clare…" Helen starts, but Clare cuts her off.

"Jenna is always in Jake's room, so Eli should be allowed in mine."

Eli's taken aback by Clare's boldness, and even if he wanted to speak, words would fail him at the moment.

"Okay," Helen sighs, turning back to the TV. "Fine."

Clare smirks and flounces up the stairs. Dumbfounded, Eli follows.

Clare

"You look like you've seen a ghost!" Clare laughs as she pulls Eli into her room and shuts the door.

"Have I?" Eli shrugs off his jacket. "That was NOT the Helen Edwards I remember."

"Yeah, well, ever since Glen and Jake moved in, she's been a little too preoccupied to be overprotective." Clare shrugs off her jacket and takes Eli's. "And…I might have told her how much I've missed you." She sits the jackets on her desk before flopping down on her bed, face-first.

"Um…" Eli starts to sit on the floor.

"Eli!" Clare sits up. "Come here, you doof."

Her heart starts pounding faster when he sits next to her.

_Eli_

_I. Am. In. Clare's. Bedroom. _Eli's thoughts are flying at a million miles a minute, and most of them involve Clare and things he DEFINITELY shouldn't be thinking about at all, let alone an hour after they got back together. He's sitting on the very edge of her bed, and she slides up behind him, wrapping her tiny hands around his waist. They rub his stomach, and he can feel himself getting aroused. Her breath is on his neck, and he can't take it anymore. He turns his head and crashes his lips against hers. She lies down and pulls him with her. He's half on the bed, half on top of her, and oh, God, he can't believe this is happening.

Clare

Certain warmth spreads from Clare's lips all the way down to her toes. She feels tingly all over, and can't help but press herself up against Eli's body; it's a reflex. He breaks their kiss and his lips are autopilot, the destination her neck.

_Oh, God!_

Eli stops his ministrations to look at Clare in shock. "My, my, Edwards…did you just use the Lord's name in vain?"

"Oh no…I said that out loud?"

Eli's lips contort into a devilish smirk. "Ha! Now you know how it feels!"

"Shut UP!" She kisses him then slides further up on the bed, dragging him with her so that his entire form covers hers.

_I can't believe Eli is on top of me._

_Eli_

_I can't believe I'm on top of her._

They had made out before, of course, but it was never like this. It's desperate, it's passionate, it's a plea on both their parts to forgive and forget. It's hard for Eli to believe they haven't done this in so long, because they haven't missed a beat. Being with each other is apparently like riding a bicycle to them; their bodies seem to melt together, and each curve of his hips is filled by the contours of hers. And she's so, so warm. Clothes between them damned, Eli can't think of a sexier thing than this.

_Fuck, I'm in love with her._

He shouldn't be thinking this so soon; they just got back together.

But he can't help it, because when her hips buck against his so slightly that he _knows_ it's not of her own will, he realizes he's kidding himself to think that there was ever a time between now _then _that he WASN'T in love with her.

Clare

His hands are all over her, and Clare is absolutely on fire. She can't remember the last time she felt so warm, so out of breath, and she's upset with herself for wearing a dress made of such heavy material. Eli's t-shirt is soaked with sweat, and she can't seem to pull herself away from him. His tongue softly fights with hers, and _oh, _it's been so long since she's felt this way. The only person that can ever make her feel like this, so intense in all the best possible ways, is Eli. She moans in the back of her throat, and when he smirks against her mouth, she can't help but think that the old saying is true.

Absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

_Eli_

Breathing heavily, Eli reluctantly breaks away from Clare and lies down next to her.

"Why did you stop?" Clare looks confused and is panting just as hard as he is.

"Because if I don't, I won't be ABLE to stop when the time comes."

Clare blushes, and Eli is reminded of how it's the cutest damned thing he's ever seen.

"Okay," Clare agrees. She snuggles up close to him, and Eli wraps both arms around her, one under her waist and one stroking her side.

"So," Eli starts. "Do you want to inform me of all these changes in your life that I've missed out on?"

Clare smiles. "Another time. Do you want to talk about…well, everything?"

He lightly tickles her side, and loves the way she squirms. "Later," he says. Pressing a kiss against her forehead, he notices the time on Clare's alarm clock. "My curfew is in an hour."

Clare looks at the clock and pouts. "It's only nine-thirty."

"Yeah, but Cece and Bullfrog have tightened the reins a bit." Eli looks at her knowingly before raising one eyebrow. "Don't worry, I'm allowed out later on the weekends."

"Oh, well, thank goodness!" Clare laughs, but it dies off quickly. "Wow, things really have changed, haven't they?"

"Yeah," Eli agrees before pressing a soft peck against her cheek. "But not the way I feel about you."

Clare

Clare blushes at Eli's comment. "We'll be okay, right?" She frowns.

"Yes." He kisses her again, slow, fanning the flames of the fire in Clare's stomach. She breaks away.

"We have a lot to catch up on," she says slowly.

"We will," he responds, sounding so sure of himself.

"Okay."

"Okay." He kisses her quickly.

They lay there for a while, talking about everything from superhero movies to the poetry of Ezra Pound. Laughter and kisses are exchanged, and before they know it, it's nearly ten-thirty.

"I don't want to, but I really need to go," Eli says as he brushes Clare's hair from her face.

"Okay." Clare watches him stand and pull on his jacket. "Let me walk you to the door."

_Eli_

When Eli gets home, he damn near saunters through the door. He's humming his favorite Dead Hand song, and he can't remember the last time he felt this light. Not just stable, but…happy.

It's a good feeling.

"Hey, kid," says Bullfrog as Eli walks by the living room. "You look, uh…giddy."

Eli rolls his eyes at Bullfrog's chosen terminology as he hangs his jacket on the coat rack. He laughs, though, because he's not exactly in the position to deny it. "I am, Bullfrog."

"Care to share why?"

Eli sighs. He knows the reason for his happiness will concern his dad.

"Clare and I got back together tonight." He doesn't feel like beating around the bush.

"Oh. Well, okay then." Bullfrog scratches his head. Over the holidays, Eli and his dad discussed the kiss from the Frostival. While the whole ordeal concerned Bullfrog a bit, he said the actions Eli chose to take were Eli's, not his. "As long as you're happy. I thought you weren't going to chase after her, though?"

Eli smiles, and his cheeks turn a shade of red they so rarely do. "I didn't. She chased after me."

Clare

Clare smiles in her bed, comfy in her favorite pink pajamas.

The sheets still smell like Eli, so she breathes them in, happy that she's no longer denying her feelings. For the first time in what feels like forever, she feels like her complete self again.

_Buzz. Buzz._

Clare rolls over to see her phone lighting up with Eli's name. She doesn't have any pictures of him on her new phone and makes a mental note to change that soon. "Hello?"

"_Hey. I know I just saw you and all…"_

Clare smiles. "I'm actually wide-awake. I'm glad you called."

"_Oh really?"_ Clare can hear shifting. It sounds like Eli is getting under his covers. "_I just wanted to tell you I broke the news to Bullfrog that you and I are together again. I hope that's okay."_

"Well, I'm pretty sure my mom got the gist, so I'd say it's okay."

They're silent for a moment, and Clare can't help but think of how lucky she is. She has Eli back. _Her _Eli. She knows it won't always be easy, but she won't run away now. She loves him, always has and always will.

"_Hey Clare?"_

"Yeah?"

"_Just so you know…I'm all in, too."_


End file.
